Lovers' Diary - Hiedi Garvin

I read Hiedi's blog when it was blogspot hosted. All the posts are still there and they're worth taking the time to read. These days she posts to her Tumblr and it's a lot more regular. Everything she writes is effortlessly put together. Her entry into the Lovers' Diary is no different.


An Open Letter to Males

By Heidi Garvin (not a male)


Dear Persons with a Y Chromosome,

Hi. Some of you may already know me, most of you probably don’t. My name is Heidi, I’m twenty-four years old, and I live in Hollywood. I’ve enclosed a photo so you can see what I look like, or perhaps jog your memory. This will be particularly helpful if we ever met in a bar. I’ve had quite a few interesting encounters with your people and I was thinking maybe we could all learn from them. You see, from my experience (I can’t speak for others), there is a certain awkwardness that comes about when one of your type wants to express any type of romantic/sexual attraction to myself. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I bring it out in you, who knows? I’m a pretty awkward person myself, so this is entirely likely. At any rate, I’d like to provide you with some examples of these encounters so that you can NOT repeat them and save yourself and myself from more awkward and uncomfortable interactions. Thank you kindly.


Please do not tell me I have beautiful eyeballs. It sounds as if you want to harvest them and sell them on the black market. In general, it is a good idea to strike the word “eyeball” from your flirting vocabulary.

I know I have a cluster of freckles/moles/beauty marks over my right eye. And I’m very glad you think they’re cute. Heck, I’ll even tell you how my dermatologist told me they were fairy footprints when I was little, and that’s why I like them. But if you call me fairy footprint face, it just sounds like a third grade insult. Fairy footprint head is not any better.

Please do not ask me mid way through our first kiss/make out session toward the end of our second date how I feel about abortion. It may be true that you don’t want to shack up with a chick who isn’t willing to pull the trigger, but, dude, you jumped the gun a little on that one. Who even said we were going to shack up? That’s getting a little ahead of yourself. I think you said it because you were high, though.

Also, please don’t go to the bathroom and get high in the middle of a date. Thanks.

When I go to the bathroom and come back to find you right where I left you (the far side of the couch, away from me) it would be awesome if there was no sudden appearance of a small wet spot on your pants. This one should be a no-brainer. Please don’t jizz in your pants when I’m in the restroom, ESPECIALLY when all I’m doing is chatting with you while my roommate makes out with your friend. I’m only making sure you don’t steal our TV. It’s nothing to get excited about. CALM DOWN.

And these examples are just scratching the surface here, males. I know we girls, especially me, do some pretty stupid/weird things too. But if you try to work on these few things I’ve listed above, I will do my part and try to talk about cats less. Thanks.


Sincerely,


Heidi Garvin x