Update

A few months ago, I was in a relationship. It was long distance and very difficult, but I was trying to make it work. Due to things beyond my control, and for my own health I called it off. We are still friends, we still talk, but I don't think we'll ever be where we were. I still love him dearly, just not like that.

I wrote this today. I think it's quite an accurate reflection of me. Of my major flaw.

Because it's far more effort and more painful for me to be angry with you.
Because as much as you hurt me I will forgive and forgive and forgive again.
Because I can't hold a grudge.
Because being angry with you hurts us both.
Because, quite simply, I'm just not like that.

Please stop hurting me, so I don't have to be angry with you.

I have a tendency to put myself in relationships (friendships included) where I am continually hurt by the other person. I just put up with it, continually excusing their behaviour. This passage really does reflect that. I can't stay angry, but I will allow myself to be friends with people who have hurt me and may do so again.

With this guy, I think I finally got the picture and am changing my behaviour. I'm not investing so much into making sure he's ok. Not my time, not my emotion, not my health. He and I both know I can't do anything to help, and even though his reaction says 'back off'. I don't. So, yeah, it's partly my fault.

This way I won't be disappointed when things don't get better and I won't be hurt when he reacts the way he does. This way, my happiness is not dependent on his.

This is not just him, it is my track record. One I have changed.