Perception

This is taught in just about every course I’ve been on in the last 3 years. So if they think it’s important enough to tell me a thousand times, I reckon I can pass it on.

Perception is EVERYTHING and should never be underestimated. In a court it will actually take priority over intent.

Two examples:

1 - Your boyfriend is totally in love with you. He tells you all the time, but doesn't do much in the way of showing it. Your perception is that he doesn't really love you, he's just putting the words together. But we both know, from the first sentence, what you see isn't actually the truth.

2 - Life is crazy busy, work is stressing you out, you've not seen your friends in ages and when they talk to you, your answers are short & to the point because you just can't handle having something else to do. They think you're being a bitch. But that wasn't your intention right?

Making sense so far?


This is why friendships fall apart, and why couples become singles. The words you utter are only part of what you’re saying; your posture, tone, facial expressions and behaviour make up the rest. You know the intention behind what you say and do, but sometimes when you add life to the mix and the other person’s circumstances, the message gets mixed up.

So what happens when a friend comes to you and asks, “Why are you being such a bitch?” It's difficult, but don't get defensive. Instead, stop and ask “What on earth makes you think that?” Then, for goodness' sake LISTEN, because, according to them (their perception) you ARE acting like a bitch. End of story. You can argue as much as you like, but their perception, is THEIR REALITY.

Don't make excuses, explain yourself, and yes, you have to. It would be hard for them to put up with you, so you can put up with some self reflection. Are you struggling with something? Is family getting to you? Are they getting to you? Are you going through an antisocial phase? Is it that time of the month? What’s going on to make you act out?

When you explain it to them though, they need to listen too. The other key thing is that you should apologise, this is fundamental. Apologise for how they felt, because really, if you'd hurt a close friend, wouldn’t you be sorry?


I used to hate apologising, for some reason; I saw it as a sign of weakness. But it's actually a sign of acknowledgment and strength. It’s hard work to listen to your faults, especially if you're not aware of them. It’s hard to hear that you’ve hurt a friend. It’s hard to say “I’m so sorry I made you feel like that, I had no idea” but you it needs to be said.

It works both ways, if they can address things with you, you can address things with them too. Don’t be afraid to say, “You know what? When you do/say XYZ that actually makes me feel like 123”. Be careful not to attack the person, make it clear that’s not what you’re doing if they get defensive. Some people aren’t open to criticism and won’t listen to you, no matter how nice you are about it. In these cases, be prepared to let it go. State your case then let it go.

If you do this well enough, your relationships will be SO much stronger because your friends and family know they can address things that are bugging them. And they know you’ll listen.